January 30, 2013

"Just Being Myself"

"Just Being Myself" is one of my fan's favorite paintings. I often asked myself why is that. Why so many people prefer her over all of my other girls?

A week and a half ago I started a wonderful e-course create by Jodi Chapman from Soul Speak, "Coming Back to Life" http://www.jodichapman.com/. I felt called to it because I know I've been sleepwalking through life for quite a long time and it's about time I wake up! I've been slowly awakening from my deep slumber and this course is giving me a real kick!

Week One was about starting where you are. I navigated through that quite easily. Week two, well, it's a whole different ball game. I barely started working through the material and already hit major bumps. It's about getting real, dropping the masks we wear, and become authentic, let the real "you" come forth and shine. This doesn't come easy at all! I've been wearing a mask for so long, I have a hard time identifying who's underneath it. I have become the mask. I have created a person that exists mainly to please and be approved of by others. A person whose standards of self  perfection are almost impossible to meet, and so I'm hardly ever pleased with myself, simply because no matter what I do, I'm never good enough!

This is hard work, and can be quite painful to peel the layers and dig the truth. Since I've started my soul search, and specially now with Jodi's guidance, I've uncovered some things from the past that have made me even more critical and brutal at myself. The mask becomes ever more elaborate so it can numb the pain more effectively. I've done things that I'm not proud of and I've hurt people that didn't deserve to be hurt. I made mistakes, I'm only human. And consequently, I bury my true self even deeper, making this work all the more difficult. Enough with that! How can I come back to life if I don't allow the real me to come out and "play"?

Even before I started working through this week's workbook, just a few days ago, I had the incredible blessing of coming across not one, but two amazing people that have told me the same thing: that a part of me is already being authentic after all. Not only do I realize that I've made mistakes, but I take responsibility, and I really strive to make amends. Wait a minute! I do? How is this special? I thought that's what everybody does! No, way! And that's when I was told by these two great human beings that most people walk around totally oblivious to the harm they've done, unaware of their mistakes, or worse even, unwilling to see it. I'm told that I should be very proud of myself for having the courage to come forward and show the real me, the one that made mistakes, yes, but takes responsibility and strives to make positive changes. That's no small feat, and deserves to be celebrated. Wow! Really? Yes, really!

With that I learned that perhaps the reason why "Just being Myself" is so popular, is because even when we are unable (or unwilling) to look deep inside and face ourselves, subconsciously, we all have a desperate need to be in touch with our authentic selves, to be real, to just be who we are meant to be. That includes me, of course, and without a doubt, I see now that I was channeling that very feeling when I created this piece.

So, here's to being real. Here's to not being so hard on myself, to choosing to see the beautiful in me and the genuinely caring person that lives deep inside my heart. The one I have a hard time acknowledging, simply because I have conditioned myself to believe that I'm not a good person because hey, I made mistakes, I hurt people, therefore, I can't possibly be good or deserve anything good to happen to me, karma's a bitch and I should pay for it! How dare I have anything good happening to me, or have anyone loving me! Here's to debunking those myths I've created. To put an end to this endless cycle of punishing myself. Here's to leaving the past where it belongs. And living in the now. Here's to having the guts to say to myself, "Hey, girl, be proud of yourself, YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH! You're not going to get struck by lightning if you say positive things to yourself, if you show yourself love and respect. Here's to loving and accepting myself first and foremost, mistakes and all. We all have some ugly inside, we're not ascended masters, we have vices, we're human. But we can make amends, we can work things out, we can change for the better. We can become more aware and live life more truthfully. Here's to celebrating that we're worthy of love and acceptance. I deserve that as well. Here's to letting go of the need for perfection, the belief that only "good" girls can be happy. Here's to the "real" me, all of it, the good, the bad, and the ugly! Here's to "Just Being Myself"!

I declare today, "I'm happy "Just Being Myself" Day. Join me, let's celebrate the beauty of just being ourselves!

Love, Light and Bright Blessings.

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