January 21, 2013

"The 40 y.o. virgin"


Those who know me, know better than to mention my age. Ah, that unspeakable number forty! Well, that was my way of thinking, for a very long time. I dreaded my 40th birthday, as if I were going to get the bubonic plague for my birthday gift. Oddly enough, when it finally happened, I was surprisingly nonchalant about it. What happened? I wasn't struck down by lightning after all. I've been thinking a lot about it, as part of my soul searching, trying to reconnect with myself and understand how and what I feel. I spent such a long time sleep walking and numb, that I completely lost myself along the way. All that remained of me were a few things I felt strongly about for most of my life...like turning forty.

When I look back at some of the changes that have taken place in the past year, I realize that what I feel most strongly, is a deep sense of renewal and a self-confidence I never really had before. Wow! How did that come to be? I'm not really sure, but I just had an insight. I'm not at all an expert at numerology, I don't even know the basics to be totally honestly. So I'm going with nothing but raw instinct here. I'm looking at the number 4 and the first thing that comes to mind is, start fresh, renewal, after a cycle has been completed. The beginning of a a second stage in my life, on a more profound level.

I spent my entire life seeking the approval of others. Desperately trying to find myself as a beautiful, intelligent woman through the eyes of others. Problem was, I didn't see any of that, and consequently, no one else did either. So I lived my days in frustration, always giving my 110% to achieve the perfection that would finally get me the recognition and approval I wanted, but never really getting it. No matter how many A pluses I got, how much I achieved academically, or what size I was, and heaven knows, I've been everything, from extra small to extra extra large and everything in between, I was never happy with myself, I never believed in myself, and I definitely didn't think I was worth of anything. It was not until I fell in love with Jade, that the world did as well. Much to my surprise, that love begun after I turned forty. The satisfaction of looking at the mirror and enjoying my reflection, loving all of my curves, my curly hair, my broad hips, my thick thighs, my plump butt, and yes, even my muffin top! All of it! Being confident that I am worthy, I am enough, I am deserving, I am BEAUTIFUL!

The one area that has changed the most dramatically in my life since my rebirth is sex. I was never this confident before. Not when I was young, not when I was thin, not when every part of my body was flat, firm and toned. Never before have I ever been able to fully enjoy sex with total abandon. How could I? More than half of my attention was focused on whether or not I looked fat, or if was positioned in an angle that made me look "funny", or if I was being "skilled" enough, or if I was doing it "right", and the list goes on. Heck, with all those thoughts in my mind, I wondered how I managed to have any orgasms at all! It doesn't surprise me that, although I've always enjoyed sex, I was never really blown away by it.

If only I knew how things would dramatically change after forty, back in my teen years, instead of saying what Jenna Rink says in 13 going on 30, "I wanna be thirty. Thirty and flirty and thriving", I would've said "I wanna be forty. Forty and self confident and a sex goddess!" Because I am there, finally! I'm no longer hyper aware of my body in a negative way. What I am is  fully aware of how beautiful and perfect I am, just the way "I am".  How I am the Goddess and the Goddess is me. And how all acts of love and pleasure are Her rites and therefore are mine as well. And for the first time in my life, I feel fully satisfied, I am able to finally achieve those earth shattering orgasms I've heard about but believed where nothing but a myth. I can finally celebrate my womanhood in the most sacred of ways, by honoring the Goddess in me, by communing with the Lady through loving and respecting my body and allowing myself to experience pleasure in the most empowering way.

The next time I hear someone say forty is the new twenty, my reply will be, "oh, no, it isn't, thank heavens!" For me at least, forty is my new freedom, my empowerment, my celebration of life and abundance of love, pleasure and fulfillment. I am forty and flirty and thriving...like never before!

Aho Mitakuye Oyasin.

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